Climb Every Mountain

Since coming back to the United States from the World Race just over two months ago, I have been experiencing mountaintops and valleys all with the visual reminders of actual mountains as I have moved to Denver, Colorado. Denver has provided a place for me to process some of the events of the past year. I know I still have more to do, but I am thankful for the lessons the Lord has begun to reveal and unveil.

Most recently, I accompanied my best friend, Joel Chitwood, and one of his friends, Chris, on a winter mountain climbing adventure in the Sangre de Cristo range of southern Colorado. I have been hiking with Joel before, so I knew that some of the things to expect were lots of snow, lots of challenge and lots of beautiful scenery. However, experience on the World Race should have prepared for me for one more thing...God will use any opportunity to grow and stretch His beloved ones, including me!

The plan was to climb a 14,000 foot peak called Crestone Needle in one day and camp back at the trailhead for the night. The entire roundtrip was planned to be 6.25 miles with an elevation gain of approximately 3,000 feet and an estimated time of reaching the top of the Needle around 6pm (six hours after leaving the beginning of the trailhead). Our first indication that things would need to change occurred when we could not drive up to the trailhead because snow filled the road ahead of us, rendering even four wheel drive useless. Thus, we were required to hike an additional two miles to reach the planned trailhead, adding four miles and 2500 feet in elevation to our proposed trek. As we hiked the snowy road, eventually donning the snowshoes I reluctantly packed, frustration grew within my heart. The beauty of clear blue skies, sunshine reflecting off of snow-covered peaks, and crisp mountain air should have been enough to keep my heart singing. Instead, my attention was drawn to the slippery trail where every step forward seemed to slip back two steps, my inability to keep up with the two guys I was hiking with which diminished my struggling pride, and the continuing upward climb at this early stage which placed a large demand on my already burning lungs and muscles.

Chris and I at the beginning of the trail hike, still smiling!

Finally, we reached the original trailhead where we got the first glimpse of the Needle and as I looked up at the rocky mountain peak, with snow swirling of the top, shuddering in the cold wind and faced with the reality of the challenge, I felt my heart sink further. Almost everything within me screamed to turn around, to quit this insane journey: my mind, my muscles, even most of my heart. Yet there remained a still quiet voice that urged continuing on toward the challenge. I pushed all of my doubts to the back of my mind and determined to put one foot in front of the other as I gritted my teeth against pain and cold and negativity. Gritting my teeth should have been my first clue that I wasn't approaching this hike with the right attitude...

The first view of the Needle...

Soon, we reached even deeper snow, where I fell in numerous times up to my hips. As I tried to pull myself out of the snow, I would only sink further as I could not find any solid footing beneath me. At this point, my fear of failure, my pride, my frustration in the midst of the physical struggle were all surrounding me, rising higher and higher, leering at me, pointing accusing fingers into my wounded, fearful heart. Questions within my own heart soon began to rise to the surface of my mind: "Is this even who I am?Do I even like climbing mountains? How do I ever think I'll be able to handle more challenges from the Lord or even be a part of His Kingdom if I cannot withstand the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual tests of this climb?" The struggle within became so intense that soon my battle became outwardly apparent to my climbing companions as I began to cry, swear, yell, punch the snow and refuse to continue.

As I sat on the side of the mountain, wallowing in what appeared to be my discomfort and inability to complete this challenge, Joel approached me and told me, "I don't care about summiting this mountain. The only joy I have in it is to complete it with you and Chris."

I responded, "I don't care. Just leave me here. You can find me when you come back down after summiting. I'm done."

"Summer, I know that deep within there is part of you that wants to complete this. If you quit now, I know you'll wish you hadn't. I'm not going to go up if you don't. I'm going to stay right here."

"YOU DON'T KNOW ME. YOU'RE A JERK AND I'M NOT CLIMBING ANYMORE OF THIS MOUNTAIN! I'M DONE. I'M SO DONE!!"

After sitting quietly seething for a while on the mountain staring at the top of the mountain, which was now also starting to leer at me, I looked at Joel and said, "The only reason I'm going to keep climbing this mountain is because I know that if I don't you won't. That's it. It's not because I love this or because I have strength or because I want to see the top. It's only because of YOU." (That last part was said with a lot of anger, spit, malice, and rage.) With that, I dug my frozen hands into the snow and crawled, crying and sobbing with snot dripping out of my nose, foot by frozen foot along the treacherous snow chutes until I could pull myself into the saddle of the mountain. By this time, the sun was setting, filling the clouds with a beautiful yellow light and drawing the brown hues of the mountains to brilliance with the contrast of the shimmering snows dusting the rocky ridges. (I was still completely distraught and refusing to take one step to look at the sight as I huddled into the shadow of the mountain to shovel in the sustenance of the hiker's trail mix I was jealously guarding in my gloved hands.) While the guys ate food, joked, and marveled at the beauty surrounding them, I glared at them and reminded them yet again, "I'm not going any further unless we are headed down the mountain and toward the car." Finally, it was deemed time to hike back down the mountain and I felt I was returning a different person. I have to admit, I felt a bit ashamed of my behavior, yet at the same time I felt triumphant.

This is the face of someone who is READY TO BE DONE!

I had looked at what felt like death straight in the face, swearing, crying, and behaving like a screaming, tantrum-throwing toddler, yet God was working. Throughout the entire experience, the Enemy shouted, "You're incapable! Joel is ashamed of you! You're not worthy! You can't do this! How do you think you'll make it if you go to North Africa in the desert and the mountains if you can't make it here? You might as well GIVE UP." Oh, but the Lord is so faithful! He would whisper, "This is training for North Africa. It won't be easy there, but you will make it if you keep your eyes focused on me. Keep going, Daughter. My strength is made perfect in weakness." I had to incline my ear to really hear Him over the other screaming, yet His quiet voice had given me strength to train my eyes on the heights of the mountain, gaze to heaven, and propel myself toward the peak.

"God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

Breaking Forth the Dawn

"Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." Psalm 139:12

What is it about the dark of night that seems so scary? Why do children wake up terrified in the middle of the night? Why am I afraid to run by myself at night, but completely confident to run while the sun shines? Darkness seems to be the threat - it threatens my security and my ability to see what is coming.

In an attempt to explain to a friend where the Lord is taking me, I shared a vision. In this vision, I started out surrounded by friends and family that was surrounded by darkness, but the Lord's presence was a beacon of light around all of us, allowing us to see the next steps to take. In my life, some of my most important relationships have started changing...yet it feels like they are being stripped away from me, leaving me completely alone in the darkness - a deep darkness where I cannot even see my hand in front of my face. In fact, it feels like I am being counted on to take the next step and I don't know if I will be stepping off a curb or a high dive. While I feel completely alone in this, I know this not true. The Lord is with me and knows exactly where my foot will fall next and even it was off a high dive, He would see me through it! (Besides, it's just water underneath anyway, right?)

"Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." Isaiah 50:10b

This morning I woke up in the EARLY morning darkness and in the midst of trying to fall back asleep (failing miserably, I might add), I started to worry. Actually, my mind began to race. First, I thought about Youth with a Mission (YWAM) and the money I still need to go out to Spain and Northern Africa. Then, I thought about my car and how I will deal with it if I don't come back to the United States for a long time. Then, I thought of my health issues that need to be taken care of and I don't have the time or the money or the insurance. Then, I thought of my best friend, Joel, and all that he is wrestling with. I thought of my missionary friend, Bonnie, and how I need to be praying for God's direction in her life. I thought of people I need to connect with. I thought of my parents and how much they are hurting with my leaving and not knowing what the future holds. I started to worry about what people think of the life the Lord is asking me to lead! I started to hear, "IRRESPONSIBLE - that's what they (who's "they"?) will call you...People aren't really going to support you for missions work. What are you thinking?"

Hmm...that doesn't sound like God...sounds more like the Accuser of all of our souls. So, in order to not give into despair and "woe is me" thinking, I opened my Bible and found some GREAT stuff in Isaiah. Read this!

"Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth He has made mention of my name...in the shadow of His hand He has hid me...

He said to me, 'You are my servant, in whom I will display my splendor. It is too small a thing for you to be my servant...I will also make you a light...that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth.

I will not forget you! See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands...those who hope in me will not be disappointed. I will contend with those who contend with you. Do I lack the strength to rescue you?'

Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame. He who vindicates me is near. Who then will bring charges against me? Let us face each other! Who is my accuser? Let him confront me! It is the Sovereign Lord who helps me. Who is he that will condemn me?"

- Excerpts from Isaiah 49 - 50