Waves of Desperation

With my eyes searching the darkness, the first visible foretastes of the now-crashing swells appeared as dark, ominous monoliths rising out of the obscurity before me. Each passing glance caused trepidation to rise up in my throat, inspiring the desire to run from the threat of being washed away in the overpowering flood. Yet at the exact same moment, I felt an awestruck sense of peace in the midst of the storm and an equally crushing yearning to become part of the swirling might and energy that was sweeping through my soul. The feelings became so uncontrollable I had to remind myself I was fully clothed, it was night and chilly, and I was at least a 30 minute walk from home where I could get warm and dressed in dry clothes in order to stop myself from leaping into the turbulent wake!The thundering was the first thing I heard, its roar deafening, threatening to consume everything in its path. Unaware of my surroundings, I assumed it was an approaching thunderstorm or a low-flying plane…yet when I turned a curious eye in the direction of the ensuing madness, I found its source in the crashing, churning waves of the Mediterranean Sea. Peering through the darkness, I glimpsed a hint of white, foaming swells in the distance and then immediately drew my eyes toward the dark strip of shoreline where wave upon wave rolled up and threw itself upon the sands as if trying to break the resistance of its boundaries. The shock of the impact acted as a magnet to my soul as my feet stumbled over themselves to turn my body in response to my heart, which had become enamored with a rushing desire to be as physically close to the power of the waves as possible. Hastening toward the nearest boardwalk providing me access to the surging deep, my excitement stirred up within my heart anticipating the moment when I would stand before the raging surf. In the next moment, approaching the spray and rolling breakers my breath left me, trembling overtook my body, and I stood rooted to the sand drinking in the sight before me in complete and overwhelming awe of the glorious force of water, wind, and tide expressing itself before the insignificance of me.

What would compel me to jump into the stormy sea at night fully clothed? Myself, I wasn’t sure, but there was something of God in that water. There was something about the power that scared me, yet intrigued me and wanted me to be a part of it. It’s like looking at a lion; it has the characteristics of a housecat that is cute and sweet, yet embodies wildness and an inability to be tamed. I realized that catching a glimpse of the untamed nature of God last night was what had encouraged my heart to dream to see Him accomplish the “impossible,” to believe that it is possible to know God and be fully known by Him, while at the same time standing back to look deep into the awesome ferocity, wonder and glory of God.

“Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.” ~ Psalm 42:7

Somehow the deep places of me ached for the deep places of God in getting a taste of a holy and greater glory shown to me through the immensity of the pounding waves. Yet, there was something required in order to physically experience the waters; I had to jump. It seems that in order to experience the deep places of God, a response from me is required and it asks something of me. I have to begin to lay down what I would consider my rights, my fears, my struggles, my pride. While these thoughts send a squeamish feeling through my insides, the beauty and grandeur of God draw me deeper than my insecurities can inhibit me. It is similar to looking into Aslan’s eyes in “The Chronicles of Narnia,” where there is an undoing of self that happens when locking gazes with Him because of His great love and His incredible power. When I remind myself of who God is, I cannot help placing my life in His hands…even when I know there is a cost.

This week at the training school I am attending, I was confronted with my firm grip on (or my right to) my relationship with my boyfriend, Joel; my pride both in confessing in front of a group and then being proud that I could be bold enough to share (!); my fear of being vulnerable as I cried in front of the group (something I haven’t done in a long time, especially in front of virtual strangers); and even my inner desire to be a peacekeeper instead of a peacemaker with my roommates and my boyfriend. Yet, despite all of the pain that has come to the surface, I know that God is working and He is faithful to see me through all the healing, surrender, and restoration that will ultimately come. It requires jumping into the thundering breakers of His power even if there is fear of loss and then truly realizing the wonder of His love as He brings new life from that loss.

“Like a rushing river am I
Like a raging torrent inside
I find that I’m free falling again
I’m letting go of the mountain view,
Letting go, but what into

You make ALL things beautiful
Just in time”

~ Misty Edwards, “Like a Rushing River”